As a woman passes by her daughter's closed bedroom door, she hears a strange buzzing noise. Opening the door, she sees her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, what are you doing? 

     The daughter replied; mom, I'm 35 yrs old, & this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. 

     Next day, dad hears the same thing. Upon opening the door, he observes his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. 

     Shocked, she says dad, I'm 35 yrs old, unmarried & this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. 

     A couple days later mom comes in from shopping & hears the same buzzing coming from the living room. She entered that area & observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a beer & staring at the TV. The vibrator on the couch was buzzing away like crazy! 

     Wife asked, what the hell are you doing?

     Husband replies... I'm watching football with my son in law!

--- Shana B., Punta Gorda, FL

     Two blondes are riding a bike down a road and the first blonde says, "I've never come this way before!" and the second blonde says, "Oh, it must be the cobblestone!"

--- Lara, Austin, TX

Q: Whats a rednecks idea of safe sex? 

A: Locking the truck door 

Q: What does a redneck girl say when she loses her virginity? 

A: Daddy, get off me, your crushing my cigarettes! 

Q: Why do rednecks do it doggystyle? 

A: So they can both watch wrestling. 

Q: Why'd the redneck cross the road? 

A: His dick was in the chicken. 

Q: What do you call a redneck that owns both sheep and goats? 

A: Bi-sexual 

Q: What do rednecks call duct tape? 

A: Chrome!  

--- Ranger Dick, FL

    An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. 

     The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. 

     She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" 

     "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?"

      She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

--- Danny D., Ft. Smith AK

     There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out". 

     The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and, of course, a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you". 

     "What do you mean?" asked his wife. 

     "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

--- T, Columbus, OH

     Now that I'm older I thought it was great that I have more patience.  Turns out I just don't give a shit.

--- Momma Lyd 

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